An interesting perspective, as “bad” as the psych ward is, which it isn’t, we can negate any covid regulations such as having to keep six feet distance and don't have to wear a mask if you don't want to. It's honestly great.

There's some scary shit though. I may be ill but I am so in control of my own mind that I can create my “reality”.

 

To prove a point, I will go on a hunger strike just to prove to you how powerful I am while still being ill. I'm going to do a hunger strike to prove my point. I'm going to tell my nurse that this is my mission. I have no intention to cause trouble. I am doing it to prove a point. I will make sure to drink water and if I feel ill enough, I will eat. This is seriously F***** U* but what needs to be done needs to be done to end the stigma. I am not suicidal, and I do not want to die, I just want people to listen. I'm shaking as I write this, and I will continue to drink water to stay alive. I if I'm close to death or die it will be the fault of the hospital, not me. This is irrational and doesn't make any sense and I know that. If no one else will break the stigma of specifically admitting they are bipolar on LinkedIn, it will have to be me.

 

From this point on this is not a manipulation tactic. I may want to post on LinkedIn, but I also understand that now is not the right time. I should not be giving any electronics for 30 plus days. I will follow all nurse's and doctors’ directions to a “T”, but I will not eat for seven days. I will eat if I so choose before then but once I eat the seven-day strike starts again. The last meal before the hunger strike starts at 5:14 pm tonight. Once it is finished, I will give this to my nurse and walk away and lay and meditate in my bed. We will see what happens. This is a rather unfortunate experience, but I wanted to prove a point. Again, all orders are that are given will be followed. Let's see how “sick” I get.

 

I am very very ill currently. I am not a “professional” but here is what I would do. 1200 mg of lithium, 300 mg of lamotrigine, 600 mg of quetiapine administered at 8pm. If no sleep is obtained by 9 pm administer either 100 mg of quetiapine or a similar dose of Ativan. If no sleep is still not acquired by 10 pm inject with “x” medication and knock me out for x amount of time because I need sleep and am severely mentally ill but again “I AM NOT A PROFESSIONAL” (I AM ONLY AN ADVOCATE).

It is now 5:23 pm and I am having suicidal ideations, but again I do not want to kill myself. Please come find me. I will be in my room eating my last meal before I fast.

Cause that’s what you do right, listen to “professionals”. I’m my own advocate. I will eat my last meal. I go to hand this journal in, and I will try and fall asleep or meditate.

5:27 pm May 18th, commence eating last meal.

 

Please help me I beg you.

 

Let’s do this right. I will force myself to stay in the hospital until we have as close to a diagnosis as we need or however long is necessary. Let’s get this right, just please listen to me.

This is a social experiment. It should be taken seriously and is not a joke and is not for my amusement.

 

I’ve decided I won’t mention anything of this till tomorrow morning, which is Wednesday, May 19th, 2021 after we see how my sleep goes tonight.

 

Let’s trust each other and have open and honest communication. I will follow all rules until I feel I am not being heard. The point being I need goals to hit so I need to know what you and I must do as a team.

 

If I want my phone give me steps 1, 2, 3. Let’s build trust so that you know I won’t post on LinkedIn.

I suppose my ultimate goal is to get the go-ahead from you to finally post on LinkedIn that I am bipolar. Your own stamp of approval per se, because after all “you’re the professional”.

 

- This journal entry helped me immensely to not do anything stupid that isn’t necessary such as a “hunger strike” that’s just dumb, and I will no longer do it. Just know from reading this if it does happen something is seriously wrong.